Life Is A Mazzquerade

And The Reason Is....

2011-06-23T19:45:00.002+08:00

hi blog,

its been a while since i visited you... im sorry cos im busy wif my life (not exactly) and i didnt really know what to pen down (yeah, right.. excuses)

people have been concerned.. about me... and marriage...

sriusly i duno why... n honestly, its not that desperate to me...

i mean, yes i would love to get married, who wouldnt right... but im not that into it too much... (in other words, desperate)

and people started asking why....

the reason i give?

not the time maybe...

not really into it...

if it happens, then it will...

bla bla bla...

the REAL reason?

well, its actually because im afraid...

not becos im afraid of being committed to someone...

but of something else.... something that i know i cant, even if i want to...

n i cant becos of something that happened, or exactly something that i did in the past...

n therefore im afraid... dat he, whoever he is, can never accept it...

no one knows... although just a few knew what had happened...

but no one knows what resulted from it....

ive been keeping it within me for so long now....

maybe this is the consequence that i hv to pay for my wrongdoings...

ugghhh, now im teary-eyed thinking about it...

*end*

silence...

2010-12-08T12:42:00.002+08:00

is silence really golden...?

at times, i doubt so....

its better to speak one's mind...

what do u think?

So Near Yet So Far....

2010-12-02T14:33:00.003+08:00

if only i can jus reach out my hand and grasp at it.... i wish i can...
and even if i cant, i wish it will come to me, willingly... and stay by my side...

"it can happen"... dats wat i heard...
pls, tell me straight to my eyes, that it can really happen....

of the lil' things...

2010-10-25T21:39:00.003+08:00

at times, simple lil's things can irk u so much...
that u keep getting frustrated...
and a person like me, who wouldn't know how to express the anger, will jus boiled it within...
thus become angry at my own self, irritated by the mere actions that my own self take...

but sometimes, there are things that, no matter how lil' it is... makes u smile...
and a person like me, who easily find joy in these little things...
couldnt help but feel warm inside...
thus if u see me wif an idiotic smile plastered on my face and u dunno why...
it's probably becos these lil' things had just happened...

p.s : this 'falling slowly' song has been on repeat mode in my mind for a while now.....

Dreaming My Dreams...

2010-10-20T20:04:00.002+08:00

i dream...
of that familiar figure, on that upper level...
looking out the window, seeing me arrive...
and reaching out to me...

i dream...
of that comforting look, at the top of the stairs...
looking out for me, every afternoon...
amongst the busy crowd...

i dream...
of that shadowed reflection, lingering around...
keeping me safe, without fail...
even from far...

i missed those moments~

So Much In Love - All 4 One

2010-10-08T16:38:00.003+08:00

as we stroll along together
holding hands walking all along
so in love are we two
that we don't know what to do
so in love... in a world of our own

as we walk by the sea together
under stars twinkling high above
so in love are we two
no one else but me and you
so in love... so much in love

the sea is beckoning me to stroll along the sandy beach~
and add an ice cream too... it will jus make my day~

Honesty... The Best Policy?

2010-10-05T15:21:00.003+08:00

from young, ive always heard that being honest is the best attitude one can have...
but as i grow older, why cant i be honest wif how i feel?

why do i say im fine, when i know im not...
why do i smile, when my heart cries...
why do i try to stand proud, when my shoulders' hunched...
why do i pretend everything's gonna be fine, when i know my world is crumbling down...

i wish i could express watever's troubling my mind on the sand... and let the waves wash them away~

*sigh*

~disappear~

2010-10-04T15:37:00.002+08:00

it would be good to just disappear?
or would it be better to be invisible?

anyway, i've deactivated my FB account...
not because of the above lame reasons...
i guess i need to focus more on whats happening around me, rather than that virtual world...
i became too addicted to it, everytime chk n chk n chk, comment n comment n comment, like n like n like...

one day, when i hv better control of it, or when the addiction has wear off, i will reactivate my account back... anyway, its not like im gone totally, im still contactable via other means... ;)

Refrain

2010-09-03T21:30:00.001+08:00

The two of us from those days couldn't be honest with each other
I always passed the seasons by gazing at you from the side, didn't I?
If I close my eyes, this is a painful love
Unable to one day say the words "I love you"
The gentle memories... are shining
The tears I'd been fighting back spilled over and were hidden by the wind

Everything is glittering, just like time has stood still
We always saw our never-ending dream, didn't we?

Like how overlapping shadows aren't separated
We don't say anything and cuddle close
My chest tightens, unable to put these fleeting emotions into words

Am I? Really?

2010-08-22T19:23:00.002+08:00

ive heard it all before... a familiar, but definitely not an assuring statement...

"if we r not wif any other person by that time, let us be together then"

so am i ur last resort? really?
ive heard it, not once, but few times... GUYS! *roll eyes*

Same Ol'... Same Ol'...

2010-06-15T22:35:00.001+08:00

same old blog... same old entry... same old person....

wat else is new.... *sigh*

Ola....

2010-03-25T07:09:00.003+08:00

wow... its been abt 2 months since i update this blog... well, real life gets more notorious, so i guess attention is fully focused there...

wats been going on for me?
well, ive reached the digit 3 recently... other than that, everything is as per normal.. i still love black clothings, white accessories... n yes, my hair is still not black... lolx...

i wonder if staying as it is, is somewhat okay... or do changes are really necessary in life...

oh well, life, as it is, sucks anyway... u jus need to adapt to it to make it better...

PS : u might be wondering why the hell my playlist is all japanese songs... well, im in a japan mode at this moment, so off those speakers if its making ur ears bleed...

Love So Sweet...

2010-01-24T20:08:00.003+08:00

i wonder, if love can be this sweet..... anyways, enjoy the lyrics n video....
the video is a shorter version of the song though...

Kagayaita no wa kagami demo
Taiyou wo demo nakute
Kimi dato kizuita toki kara
Ano namidagumu kumo no zutto ue ni wa
Hohoemu tsuki Love story Mata hitotsu

Kizutsuita yume wa Kinou no kanata e
Sora ni hibike Ai no uta

Omoide zutto zutto Wasurenai sora
Futari ga hanarete ittemo
Konna sukina hito ni
Deau kisetsu Nido to nai
Hikatte motto Saikou no lady
Kitto sotto omoi todoku
Shinjiru koto ga subete Love so sweet

Sokokara itsumo mieru youni
Kono te wo sora ni muke
Hirogaru Kimi to no omoide
Ano takakunade ijippari na
Boku wo kaeta kimi no te Love story Aruki dasu

Magari kunetteta Futatsu no tabiji wa
Koko de hitotsu Niji ni nare

Omoide zutto zutto Oikaketa yume
Futari ga tooku e ittemo
Donna tsurai yoru mo
Kujikesouna Chikai demo
Waratte motto Saigo no lady
Kitto sotto negai todoku
Akenai yoru wa naiyo Love so sweet

Tsutae kirenu itoshisa wa
Hana ni natte machi ni futte
Doko ni itemo kimi wo 'koko' ni kanjiteru

Omoide zutto zutto Wasurenai sora
Futari ga hanarete ittemo
Konna sukina hito ni
Deau kisetsu Nido to nai
Hikatte motto Saikou no lady
Kitto sotto omoi todoku
Shinjiru koto ga subete
Akenai yoru wa naiyo
Shinjiru koto ga subete Love so sweet

Ever since I realised that what was shining
wasn't the mirror and it wasn't the sun, it was you
There's been one more love story
the moon smiling way above the tearful clouds

My wounded dreams are on the other side of yesterday
Let my love song ring out into the sky

Memory, I'll never, ever forget this sky,
even if we're apart
There'll never again be a season
when I meet someone I love so much
Shine brighter, my greatest lady,
this love is sure to softly reach you
Believing is everything, love so sweet

I hold out my hand to the sky
so I can always see it from there
And memories of being with you spread out
I was so obstinate and stubborn
And you changed me, this love story is in motion

May our two winding roads
Merge together here and become a rainbow
Memory, I've been chasing this dream all this time,
even if we go far away
No matter how tough the night,
even if I'm about to give up on my promise
Smile more, my final lady,
this love is sure to softly reach you
There's no night that won't give way to the dawn,
love so sweet

This love I can't tell you about
Becomes flowers that rain down on the town
No matter where I am, I feel you here

Memory, I'll never, ever forget this sky,
even if we're apart
There'll never again be a season
when I meet someone I love so much
Shine brighter, my greatest lady,
this love is sure to softly reach you
Believing is everything
There's no night that won't give way to the dawn
Believing is everything, love so sweet

I Know Nothing Else But.......

2010-01-03T00:02:00.002+08:00

The moment you stood next to me
I liked the way your eyes looked at me
Though I cried yesterday...
Today, because of you...
My tomorrow will be happy

Neither his face nor his style
I just needed his tender love
To forget all the time that has passed

I can now no longer do anything without you
Cause I know nothing else.... but love

Just A Thought...

2009-12-01T11:52:00.002+08:00

Sumtimes some things get carried away...
and by the time u realized it... u tend to reached out n grasp for it...
hoping that it didnt get that far...

at times, u get a good grip on it... n u heaved a sigh of relief...
as u slowly bring those things back again, close to ur heart...

but most times, u can only watch it drift away helplessly....

The End

2009-11-19T22:42:00.002+08:00

and so, this is how it ends...
wif no alarm, no watsoever.... jus drifting to non-existence...

would i grab another chance if it pass by my life again...?
i dunno... but at this moment, i dun think so...
it takes too much effort to pick up the pieces and put them back again, one by one...
and nvr knowing if the sharp edges is goin to cut me deep...

so for now... i leave it as it is....
what comes may...

With A Heavy Heart...

2009-11-14T10:50:00.001+08:00

one of us have to go...
and the sad part is... its not out of choice...

*sigh*
its a real cruel world out there...

If Only...

2009-11-10T20:27:00.003+08:00

if only you knew... how i feel right now..
how i wish i can jus shout out loud... scream n rant...
but wats the use... if you still not here with me...

pls tell me that everything is the way it is... that everything is going to be alright...
that you are gonna be here.. by my side...

p.s : thats all i'm asking from you...

Do I Have To Care...?

2009-11-08T12:22:00.002+08:00

i realized that i care... for lots of things...
i care for ppls feelings, i care for whats happening...
n sumtimes, me, being a thinker, tend to overthink all these caring shit...
in the end... sumone get hurt, doesnt matter if its you, me, him or her.... sumone will be hurt...

in this case, im the hurt one... dunno abt others...
n it sets me thinking, so why should i care then...
i remember telling sumone before that if evryone's happy, then im happy... so why do i still feel shitty now?

so i guess caring for ppl is jus not worth it... when i care for ppl, do they care for me back? from the way i see, i dun think so...

so im jus gonna stop caring... so be it...

How...?

2009-10-29T17:30:00.003+08:00

how do i explain this...
every few days, theres always things that lingers in my mind...

yes, life seems like a bliss when u think u hv had everyting u always wanted...
when u think the future is already bright n cheery for u... when u think u r so definitely sure of wat u r getting into... when u think, yes, this is great for you, u dun need anything more...
dats the keyword... "u think"...
but then things happen... n sumtimes u cant help feeling incomplete, feeling unstable, feeling vulnerable, feeling like u gonna shatter to pieces any moment soon... n that makes u kind of wondering.. what is missing now...?

im not sure if the past plays a part on it... not sure if the past still matters...
n if it does, which part of it that i seem to hv difficulty in letting go?
this question has been playing on my mind... n i decide to sit n ponders upon it for a while...
n i got to narrow it down to feelings... maybe its those emotional feelings that i hv had that i cant seem to let go... but then, i dunno which feeling is it... to a person, maybe? to a situation? to a moment?

my mind is cracking up now... n i guess the 'crack lines' are kinda obvious since my colleagues seems to see that im way off my track...

HELP!

p.s : i need a hug....

It's Been So Long...

2009-10-25T10:18:00.002+08:00

hi blog,
several things has happened... i'm sorry if ive not blogged for a while... was actually thinking if its worth it to pen down wateva is goin on in my life rite now...

things has been goin extremely downslope between me n a gal... we hv always been part of this group which of cos ties in wif blood... but i guess, that was not enuff... i discovered she didnt trust us... us, who she know for almost 20+ yrs now... maybe becos we kind of interfere wif her ongoing obsession wif guys.. but hey gal, those u hurt are those we kinda noe of, in one way or another... we cant help it when those guys complained n xpressed their dislike of how u treat them... n i trust u the most, n u could tell ppl, ppl who u didnt noe for 20 yrs, what ive been telling u... if i wanna be cruel, i would hv told ppl ur stories too, including those overstays at hospital... but i didnt... nope, i did not stoop to ur level...

n how crushed i am, when u didnt even wanna meet wif frens, when u get to noe im wif them... now, i couldnt even meetup wif my fren? jus becos u hv become her bestie? plz.. remember, u noe them thru me... n i didnt even say anything when u hang out wif them... n wat lame reason u gv for not coming down while in actual fact u jus do ur emo acting so u dun hv to come down....

plz, im not born yesterday, n i didnt go to school for the sake of being taken in wif stupid reasons n fake acts... oh yea, im jus an officer, while u hold an EXECUTIVE position in ur company, wif ur lil BB, that makes it as if u r so damn important... whats wif u not under SG payroll, but instead under Maldives HR... who am i, whose bound only under spore govt, to compete wif u... haha, i laff big ass off when i know abt that lil story u spun.... but nevertheless, ive nvr told this story of urs to that one person who is deeply in love wif u rite now... nope, im not that cruel...

like u wish to hv, not to trouble us all... i take it literally.. but dun go around wif pitiful face saying u r lonely, had no one to turn to, bla bla bla... cos, u r the one who chose to be that way.... we r always here... u dun wanna open up n b frank abt things, i hv nuthin to say then...

oh btw, i hv nvr say"beware of her"... i only say "jus be careful" cos i dun wan another person ive known to be heartbroken... but i guess, im misintepreted, as always....

p.s : beauty is only skin deep...

People Around Me

2009-09-13T19:05:00.002+08:00

within a short period of abt a month, i could see changes in ppl around me... some good, some bad...

well, first is of cos my sister... i could see her family getting from bad to worse... what makes it unbearable i guess is both are stubborn, choosing to avoid the tension they felt between them than to confront it... as a result, both are like zombies in their own home... nvr chat, nvr go out... i guess they stop duin things together... i duno whose fault it is, n i dun care... i thought as a husband n wife, they r suppose to be matured enuff to settle it nicely, if not, for the kids' sake... its sad, n as a younger sis whos not married at all, can only look on... some times i do add in few words, commenting on some stuff abt it, but i guess it fell on deaf ears... sape la aku ni kan, blom kawin, nk sebok2 nasihatkan org da kawin....

next is my father... his health deteriorates... theres one incident which caught me by surprise... he was trembling, having trouble to walk... a visit to the doc confirmed it that he had mild stroke... of cos he was referred to the hospital... he stayed for few days, had some therapy n now, thank god, he is back home... but he is not as fit at before... everything i tried to do for him... sumtimes i wish i hv a brother, at least theres one more guy in the family....

n because of that, me n my mom had our moments... i tried to be at home most of the time... wif my younger sis constantly wrking.. im left to help my mom.. n dat strengthens our bond... not much, but it will suffice for now... she become more tolerable to me...n dats a good thing, since me n her has not really been close since young...

raya is coming... i dunno how its gonna b this year... wif the strained relationship of my sis n her hubby, n the bad health of my dad, i sriusly dun feel like celebrating raya.... to date, i only clean up my room (sedapkan hati mak) n nuthing else... i hv not even chg 2-dollar notes...
hopefully, everything turn out ok... everything will be jus fine.... i can only keep my fingers cross...

From The Deepest Pit Of My Heart...

2009-08-08T13:09:00.003+08:00

i know im a person who dun say much abt things dats happening in my life... but really, i would want to pour it out here... if u like, hv a go reading it.. if u dun, too bad... my blog, my say...

Family :
my family has been well... dad has been less strict.. i dunno why.. maybe he realise his little girl has matured.. or maybe he jus tak kuasa.. lol.. anyway, his health kinda deteriorating, although he didnt show it.. he had a minor day surgery the other day, and me, who had nvr taken urgent leave before, took some days jus to accompany him.. after all, im quite close to him.. mom is still the same, less talking though.. i cant imagine how our life would be like when both my parents had stopped working...
my younger sis, still the same as ever, blur and mind her own life.. currently she is single at the moment, so i guess she spend more time at home n wif kuzzins... my elder sis.. not sure abt her.. i guess she is goin thru a rough time wif her hubby... its been so long since my bro-in-law came over to our place, even to a family chalet... and my parents kind of asking whats wrong... i dun wanna be involved, afterall its their marriage, but it kinda bothers me that its affecting all of us... i did ask her several times, but its always the boring old answers... so i let it be... but it makes me wonder, do marriage only last that long? cos it seems to me, it is right now...

Work :
i seem to think that this year, i do a lot of projects n tasks... compared to last year... everyone in my close cliques are doing fine... jus some bitches n assholes around the office who cant seem to keep their mouth n nose to themselves... but i take it positively though.. at least theres ppl for us to kutuk smpai mati... hehehe.. ive been coping quite well though... jus hope economy is picking up real soon so i will get my well-deserved bonus...

Money :
i always hv this problem of saving... some ppl say my hands itchy.. some say im jus too generous... not sure which is true... but im trying hard to get the savings part done... after all, i suddenly become more worried of the future rite now... at this moment, i can still manage... but i wanna set myself to achieve a level where i dun hv to be bothered by any financial issues anymore....

Friends :
Friends hv been great this year... its only like half a year gone past, yet i hv lots of fun... tried lots of diff things... best of all, i know lots more new frens... n lucky for me, they find me nice to mix wif... ;)

Health :
At the beginning of this year, my health is not that good actually... i was hospitalised for few days, same reason as last year plus gastric... it was a horrible 4 days, especially when i vomit everything that i ate, n the time where i feel so much pain that they inject me wif morphine... at that moment, i can feel how a person on drugs feel... the world jus spin around in slow motion...
oh, had my wisdom tooth out too... the right bottom one.. its growing sideways, it really shows in the xray... but the operation is not really that painful... the bitter part is when i dun feel my nerve at all... even now theres a lil bit of numbness on my lower right lip...

Love :
hv i found the right one? maybe, maybe not... im not sure if right one exist anymore... i actually stop looking.. i realise as time goes by, and as we age thru the years, our criterias for these kinda things changed... i remember last tyme the boys i had a crush wif are cute ones... so looks does matter at that time... then i look for sumone wif humour... then those financially stable... but now, i hv a career of my own, my car, my family, my frens... so my criteria chg again... i m after all an independent person... so i jus need sumone who see me as his everything... besides his family... i guess if its that way, other things will jus fall nicely to their places...

this post has gotten too long... till the next tyme then... when my heart n soul are ready to pour out their messy contents again...

What We Really Want...

2009-07-29T22:26:00.003+08:00

is marriage what we all crave for...?

if not, why do we keep whining and complaining abt marriage
and settling down sooner...
abt how age is catching up...
and still not meeting the one...

if it is, why do i feel like you are not feeling the same way as i am...

Tell Me How...

2009-07-15T22:25:00.000+08:00

20 in 15 mths...
can i do it...? or achieve it?

How Long More...

2009-07-02T00:01:00.002+08:00

i really cant take it...
how long will this carry on...

pls, pls.. ive learnt a lesson...
so can we go back as normal..?

oh my bloody gosh

2009-06-21T10:06:00.001+08:00

haiyo.. why like dis siaaaa...
really really xian abt the whole matter...
why cant it jus go smooth sailing...
dat one main factor can ruin everything...

haiyooo... jia lat leh...

It's Official...

2009-06-07T18:05:00.001+08:00

yess...! finally, its official..
and im extremely happy about it..

although there's no concrete plan as yet... but im overly excited...

the holidays are here..! woohoooooooooooooo...!

Its Been A While...

2009-05-19T22:53:00.000+08:00

i noe ive not updated this little space of mine...
well, its been busy for these few weeks... wif exams n stuff...
i will be back when holidays comes..

stay tuned...

Ready... Set... Go...

2009-05-01T11:14:00.002+08:00

after much discussion n speculations, it has been set..
of cos research need to be done, browsing around n yup, trying to achieve the goals...
rest assured it will be a fun journey...

counting down now...

Hear Me Shout

2009-04-22T23:31:00.002+08:00

have u ever been in a situation where you talk at the top of ur voice, and even then your fren cant hear you cos the whole place is jus damn too noisy?

i understand if its a pub or club, or even a stadium full of ppl cheering... but imagine its jus a Macdonalds outlet...

im not blaming all the ppl studying at NP or SIM.. but those who make such a ruckus at MacDonald's King Albert Park, screw you...! imagine theres a full load of you, and some talks loud, some play deck of cards, n some even strum guitar... mannnn... i cant even hear myself talking...

it doesnt mean you own that blardy place jus bcos u study at a nearby school... get it??
if u dun, well, go back to primary school then... u definitely need some basic moral education skills in being considerate to others...

Thought Of The Day...

2009-04-14T22:34:00.003+08:00

we are so concern of searching for 'the right one'...
but are we making sure that we too be 'the right one'...

Belah Lah Dada, Operate Lah Hati...

2009-04-05T10:03:00.003+08:00

sumone said to me : "you know, theres a high chance that by next year, you would be married... provided you open up ur heart and willing to let sumone in..."

is my heart that difficult to accept a person in? i dunno... i sriusly dun... for now, i jus go wif the flow... if thats where its leading me to, so be it...

And It Happens...

2009-03-31T11:42:00.002+08:00

sometimes things that you dun expect to see, to feel, to react... happens..
and thats how the situation is rite now...

i feel happy... and surprisingly, it come from ppl who i dun expect them to make me happy...
life really has surprises for us...
and becos of that, it do wonders to me...

i feel loved... and dats important...
cos when i feel dat way, other troubles seems to melt away....

*aawwwww*

XOXO

2009-03-23T22:18:00.001+08:00

come.. come... gimme a hug...
cos i got plenty for you...

*winks*

Happy You.. But Happy Me??

2009-03-15T23:44:00.002+08:00

if it makes you happy,
i'll be more than happy to obliged...
as long as you are happy...

things always not look like what it seems to be...

The Ordeal...

2009-03-13T23:08:00.002+08:00

it started 2+ weeks ago.. the pain was unbearable and it affects my diction as my gum had swell.. so i had an xray for my teeth @ alexandra hospital... didnt know that my wisdom tooth was badly growing horizontally... so i booked for a surgery to be done 3 days later...

it was not really painful... thank godness i dun need stitches... but theres a massive black hole behind... n my lower lip was numb on the right side... till now... dats the side effect for the moment... so i was put on soft diet... porridge n all... its ok for me, been doing that diet since i feel the pain anyway...

so my appetite was affected... n it grew worse... my tummy cramps up... n almost evrything that i tried down my throat came back up... even panadols... and milk etc etc... what makes it worst, i feel a sharp pain on my lower back, on the right side... n i had trouble sitting, sleeping... i feel like cryingggg....

so i went to NUH on tuesday nyte, after being coaxed by some ppl... n immediately i was admitted... they took samples of my blood and urine... everything happen in a blur that it took me a while to register in my head that i was warded... what is in my head is only the pain that i feel... i cant sleep, cant turn my body... and 'NO THROUGH MOUTH' sign was put on top of my bed... i was told that i had gastric n infection to my kidney...

on wed, ppl came to visit... i appreciate it, but really i dun hv the strength... the pain was unbearable... until when my aunts n uncles came... i had no more strength and the injection they gave me was so strong, i passed out in the middle of their conversations... i vomit everything i eat, so in the end i dun eat anything at all... watever they served me, i jus touch here n there then leave it for them to pick it up...

on thursday afternoon, i was feeling much much better... doc say i could go home the next day as the pain had totally gone, and i had stop vomitting... i was soooo happy.. no more pain..! oh bed, i miss you...!

oh, thanks for those who visit, who brought me stuff, n those who wish me well...

yanz - for driving me to hospital, to n fro, and sending my car back home... n hearing me complain of pain all the time...

eva - for being there for all days even till late nyte... and helping me wash my hair.. hehehe..

epul - for the support, and concern n trying to make me laff...

shida & aeli - for being there the 1st nyte... after u get the news

emie - for the fruits and visiting me right after you hear the news, didnt expect you to be there in the middle of the nyte.. when me was looking like shit... :)

ijal - for the early morning visit, even before i had the chance to take my shower... haha

ahad & syaz - for dropping by before wrk... for the delifrance pastry n the poster.. haha

sis n family - for the hamper... aku suka biskut tiger... hehehe

cikgu juraida & hubby - for the big teddy bear...

aunts n uncles - for the visiting and gossips.. hehehe

kanmani - for dropping by even though you hv tuition class...

zyan n apai - for the tigger n card, which you shared wif yanz n epul n eva...

concord staff - for the nice green hamper, i like the apple juice.. :)

lastly, thx to my parents for being there to n fro from home... n fetching me via taxi.... :)

thx also to those who sms n call me to wish me well n speedy recovery...

Dragging My Feet To Thursday...

2009-03-03T09:04:00.002+08:00

its already been set... the date, 05 March, and the time, 5pm...
yurp, im goin under the knife... there will be cutting and sawing and whatever-nots...

so pray hard for me that there wont be any complications during and after the surgery...
cos there will be a 5% chance that it 'langgar' my nerves...
yes, 5% is jus a small chance, but being me, the ever clumsy, absentminded and often not good wif having good luck girl, it could happen...

gosh.. i wish i could bring Nyet alonggg....

Then & Now...

2009-02-22T23:18:00.004+08:00

THEN :
"if a guy friend of urs teman you keluar raya with you and your frens, meet up with your cousins, meet up with ur sisters... do you tink a normal fren would do that?"

so u would want me to assume that we are not jus normal frens.. in one way we are special... n for that, hope is built, though small, its actually suffice for the moment...

NOW :
"a conclusion I have made.. I want you to be happy.. may you find someone better in life.. its time to let go"

and shortly abt 2 mths, theres no more special.. not even normal.. cos its about letting go... and wif that i think i will jus fade.. wif the small hope that ive weakly grasp.. n thinking how fickle you can be...

ps : for you.. how easy it is to grow attached to sumone.. but its even easier to let it fall apart... you have said that you are happy wif ur decision.. so be it then.. so be it... cos the rest doesnt really matter...

To Be Or Not To Be...

2009-02-21T10:49:00.000+08:00

is it really better to be loved than to love...?

Its Already Twice In A Row...

2009-02-17T11:03:00.002+08:00

during this time of the year.. something always affect my health...

last year, in the wee hours of the morning, i was whisked off to the hospital... my backache was acting up again n its unbearable... although i was not warded (luckily), i spent almost 8 hrs at the A&E...

same as this year, i hv lil red dots on my hands n feet... a visit to the doc confirmed its suspected chicken pox... hv to monitor these few days to see if it spreads... n its so itchiable that i cannot tahan and always hv this huge urge to scratch... uugghhhh..!!

And It Linger...

2009-02-14T00:10:00.003+08:00

This entry is for you... yes, you...

The Dating Game :
when you are sitting at that hut.. n dats where you noticed me.. but i didnt realy know you.. n from then i see you... all the time... during school, after school, in the reflections of those glasses at shops.. i even had ur lil signature in my english book cos you borrow it once... n i still remember my fren nudge me when she caught me staring at it, saying "dun hv the heart to erase it, i guess"... the lil gifts like the chocolates, the colourful journal which i still hv till today... n the letter with ur face drawn on it... i remember u addressing me as 'ina' dat tyme, cos thats what was printed on my 'moschino' bag... i also remember the time when you feel so lonely for ur bday, that i accompany u around town, and u slip ur hand in my back pocket, trying to imitate a guy in front of us.. and the card that i gave you, the one about not showering... and how we love to go bt timah, especially to that small apek shop that sells ur video games...

The Long Bittersweet Journey :
the 1st tyme we held hands and saw our shadows, u were so excited... the waiting under the void deck just to walk into school together... then the waiting at the barber shop just to go home together... the endless bus rides... the 1st tyme we watch a movie at cathay.. it was jumanji, n how u laugh when i jumped at the lion scene... the time when we threw cakes at each other during teachers' day... the one where i faked a breakup for april's fool, and i cant stand how solemn u look n finally i confess that im jus goofing around... the arguing.. where we talk to a third person, jus to get back at each other... the fugees song... n how i love cranberries, and u adore kurt cobain... the 1st kiss is when i close ur eyes n gave a peck on ur lips... the sulking moments... where we meet other people but always end up finding each other.. where you thought u lost me after i move house, and how u find me online n insisted i called you cos u dun hv my new no... n u cry, yes u did, cos u feel lost... n once, i threw tantrum, cos u dun seem to care, and i get all my things back n throw them away, and you get them back from the bin itself...

The Aftermath :
and we drift apart... constantly arguing, at teeny weeny stuff... we become rude at each other, spitting words that hurt... and after a bit of ping-pong here n there, we kinda decide we shall go wif other ppl.. and thats where it all ends... we hug no more, kiss n make up no more... but we remain frens, keeping whatever we hv left alive between us... though we do disagree abt some things, i guess its manageable... n once a while we meet, call each other, talk and joke around... and really thats nice... cos i noe whatever i tell you, it wont be a judgemental issue...

whatever was written above is only a quarter of what you n i shared those years... a blog entry wont be sufficient to pen down the memories we created... n in less than 48 hours, you would be leading a different life.. a life that you choose wif ur other half... n me, as a fren, wish u all the best... and im sincerely happy for you... i know things will be diff.. very diff... n no matter how u say we will nvr be apart as frens.. i noe better... cos in the end, we lead diff lives wif diff goals... n the bond we held so close between us will break as time passed by... nevertheless, jus remember that once you knew a girl, just a normal plain girl, and grew up wif that girl, exploring life wif fond memories...

happy valentine's day, my one n only ijal...
sincerely signing off... mazzter...

Here's The List...

2009-02-08T00:15:00.002+08:00

in exactly a month's time, i will be celebrating my bday... the last year that i will be celebrating my age which has a '2' in front... gosh, how time flies... but even then, i still lurve surprises, good surprises... and in case u didnt noe how to surprise me, i can guide you thru the things that i want below... (in order of importance)

psst, but if u hv other things in mind, its ok for me... rezki tk bagus ditolak, beb! :P

1. HTC Touch Diamond stylus (ive lost mine)
2. Twilight book series by Stephenie Meyer (had read all 4, but would like to own them)
3. UMPC / Tablet PC (need to hv the lighter weight to carry around)
4. Spa & Massage treat (i need to refresh myself)
5. HKS exhaust / BC coilover (for my shayang Fifie)
6. flat shoes / wedge (run out of them for school)
7. Kate Spade bags (especially wristlet or beg campak2)

lastly, dun forget pray for my health, my happiness and my good fortune... thank you..! :)

Whirlwind...

2009-02-01T14:52:00.003+08:00

its been one hell of a ride these few weeks..
im busy wif school, frens and what-nots..
lots of things happened.. some not worth mentioning.. n some purely joyful...

but it left me confused in the end..
and i repeatedly ask myself the same ol' question that ive been asking myself..
what do i really want...? do i feel contented with whats in front of me now?

do i go n fight for what i feel i want?
or do i jus float by my life lifelessly...?

cos either way, i dun think it will go that well...

You're Being HEXed...

2009-01-20T14:16:00.006+08:00

i know my fav no is 7... but thats only for things thats positive.. this is more towards negative... like a HEX.. a curse.. which also means 6 sided polygon (hexagon)... or even the devil (666) cos im listing down the SIX most annoying and 'disturbing' attitudes that i observe from a person.. how do i categorise it? simple, anything that can make my heart boil, and my head spin... so here it goes...

psst, a word of caution though.. if these belong to YOU... dun take heart.. be constructive instead.. after all, im only stating down my opinion, on my own blog.. like some will say *chill ah, beb*

1. you call and say,"wat you doin", n after i reply, you would go,"ok, bye"
in my heart i would be thinking "whaattt....?!" you ask n so being polite, i reply.. and all i get is a 'bye'... in the first place, i'd rather u dun call.. buang2 sen je... penatkan tangan je carik hp n picit n jawab.. to you it may be a joke.. to me, it may not.. 1st time is cute, 2nd time can tahan.. 3rd time, its getting damn irritating...

2. you cancel the plan at the last min... and i realy mean last minute
to you, you would hv say at least you informed in advance.. but your advance will be the same day minutes away from the outing.. yes, i dun blow my top.. understanding me will jus nod, say its ok.. i mean i cant force you if you cant or dun wan, right? but it really gets annoying, cos then i hv to chg plan, chg time, chg date bla bla bla... ggrrr..!

3. you say you will msg or call back later, but u dun
i noe this is a mistake that anyone can do.. even i did... but once or twice it will be ok.. but almost evrytime?? sumtimes i would doze off waiting for you to call/msg back... cos, dear, i really hold on to wat u said... imagine if its a matter of life and death, i would be long dead by then....

4. you just dunno how to express emotions
you would hv shake ur head by now, or a smirk would hv been visible on ur face... yes, it gets annoying sumtimes.. you would wan me to play guessing games, try to know how u feel by ur actions.. but honey, im not a p1 kid... that charade thingy doesnt excite me sriusly... im an adult, jus like you.. and we can always talk, directly... and my nxt point will be "when?" cos refering to the no. 3 above, you cant even sms/call when u say u will.. let alone spending time to meet n chat...

5. you remark "if you find sumone new, im happy for you"
or you can say "take him la, accept him, he likes you.." i find it annoying... sriusly, dun hv to act as if u dun feel a lil bit of pain... dun go all macho and stand up, pretending everything is all smiles... i dun need that kind of answer from you, of all ppl... its as if you are glad of finally getting rid of me, that you dun hv to think abt me again... that hurts, really hurts... n wat makes u think i feel the same way towards him too? so u care for how he feels n not me? maybe u really dun, thats jus a subtle way to tell it.. after all, to you, action speaks louder than words, right?

6. the amount of cigarettes you smoke
sriusly, it bothers me... not that i cant tahan the smoke, but i dun see why ppl sacrifice their own health jus for a puff... i noe i smoke previously, but at least im not addicted, at least not till my hands are shaking so bad that i cant even take a pic wif my camera without flash... in fact, i can proudly say i dun anymore... ppl say a girl smoking is not a nice picture... to me, a guy wif breath of cigarettes and hands smell of cigarettes is not a pretty sight at all...

there you go, the SIX dreaded things i see in a person.. mind you, its not that i want to chg a person.. but at least a give-and-take here n there will suffice.. after all, like one person said, my tolerance level is kind of high... jus dun take it for granted ;)

Holding On...

2009-01-14T14:32:00.003+08:00

it feels as if im holding on.... to nothing at all...
and even if im slipping away.... i dun think u would hv notice anyway...
so farewell.. at least for now...

"holding on.. thats what i do, since i met you...
and it wont be long.. would you notice, if i left you..."
- cranberries, daffodil lament

Are We Of No Match...?

2009-01-12T21:18:00.002+08:00

thru the years, ive noticed that guys tend to be attracted more to widows... even when the widows already hv 2-3 kids... so my question is why?

dun get me wrong.. i absolutely hv nothing against those janda's'... its jus that when single ladies are being played out by guys becos of them that makes me thinking... are we of no match?

so what do guys really see in them, sampai menduakan gf sendiri, putuskan pertunangan, tinggalkan isteri...

sebab janda's' ni ber'experience' tak? atau they mmg da tau nk sweet-talk guys... or maybe guys ni da kena 'guna'2 by them... mmglah tk sume mcm gitu... but bcos of a minority who did this, it kinda make people see the others in a same way...

haizz.. sumtimes i see smpai kwn ngan kwn bole gado becos of a janda... yg si janda ni pulak mcm tkde rasa bersalah, kuar ngan dekni, then ngan kwn dia, then ngan kawan lagik satu and seterusnya... da mcm perempuan rolling pulak... itu pun si kwn2 ni sume still kononnya ada rasa 'sayang' ngan ni janda...

but then... ade pegi, ade balik kan... tkkan balik ngan tgn kosong laks... hehehe... paham2 je la...

The No.7

2009-01-10T01:36:00.000+08:00

just like the 7 deadly sins.. here are the 7 things i like abt you...

1. the way u cock ur eyebrows
sometimes during a conversation, n something is questionable, u would subconsciously cock ur eyebrows. it makes ur face light up...

2. the way u frown
i noe frown is not a good thing... but when u do frown, u look like a confused boy.. n dats so cute...

3. ur generous dimples
just by simply talking, ur dimples showed up... they are so obvious, even when you just give a smirk... sumtimes i feel as if i wanna poke them... especially when ur smile lopsided to one side when u r smirking... aawwwwww *melts *melts*

4. the incredible mega memory up on ur head
u remember every single things that i say... every single thing that i did... even when sumtimes me myself cant remember those things

5. the ever adaptable character
u always can blend in wif ppl, no matter who they are or how crazy they can be... you can chat, joke around, laugh and makes everyone feel at ease.. sumtimes i feel like they are more of ur frens than my frens... ok, only u will understand what that means...

6. the ever so ready to listen attitude
i noe sumtimes, or most of the time, i babble a lot... i hv lots of things to say, lots of things to complain and lots of things to share... n u listen and nod ur head, give advice and positive feedback...

7. the apologetic being in you
even when im the one whose cranky, who jus get irritated by small lil things dat are not really ur fault... u will just apologise and give in to me, jus to make me feel less annoyed...

these are the lil things that i took note of you...
i dunno if u notice me the same way as i do...

It Shot Thru My Heart...

2009-01-09T00:24:00.002+08:00

im losing you... bit by bit...
and as ur grip loosens, my heart felt pain...
like something shot thru my heart...

"Dalam hati ini ada nama mu
Nama seorang insan yang aku rindu
Dalam diri ini ada sayang mu
Sayangnya diri mu tidak mengerti"

...enuff said...

ps : if only you know...

I'm Here...

2009-01-07T22:32:00.001+08:00

at times, i feel like we are strangers...
for once, could you jus look me in the eyes..

ps : i need to hear those words...

Congrats...

2009-01-06T00:35:00.002+08:00

yea, congrats... u did it..
you hv successfully irritate me..
you, of all people...

i dunno whats bothering you.. dunno what you are pissed at..
i dun even noe if theres anything to begin with...

but really, you spoil my nite... and my mood...
and the worst thing is, i cant do anything abt it... ggrrrrr..!!

ps : i really feel like pinching you hard...

Bite Me...

2009-01-04T23:15:00.002+08:00

im one who is fascinated wif fairytales and the creatures in it.. those pixies and fairies, trolls and dragons, werewolves and wizards... but one creature always intrigued me the most...

the vampires... yes, the bloodsucking beings. i was drawn into them. for years, i read books, searched details abt their existence and watched countless vampires movies.. some of my favorites are 'interview with the vampire', 'van helsing', 'queen of the damned', 'from dusk till dawn', 'blade', 'underworld' and not forgetting 'buffy the vampire slayer'.

so when the movie 'twilight' arrived on screen. i was excited. ive read the twilight book series and really looking forward to see the movie. of course, critics complained abt the stiff acting, the so-last-century special effects but i dun care. i love the story. im a romantic, and this story combines both my romantic side and my obsession wif vampires.

what makes them appealing to me is how mysterious they can get, dark n gloomy. though they are hundreds years old, they always look gorgeous, with clean cut face and smart appearance. the way their eyes glow and their lips move against their fangs... it just intrigued me more...

like what the vampire, edward cullen in twilight, say : everything about me invite you in.. my voice, my face, even my smell....

ps : ive watched twilight for like 3-4 times, n im still not sick of it... :)

Fingers Crossed...

2009-01-01T13:47:00.003+08:00

2008 came and went... and it just zoom passed...
ive realized i hv not achieved much...
i just kinda float by, going wif the flow...

and now 2009 had taken its place...
and it will fly by, in jus a matter of time...
i wish things to happen... and i hope they will...

here's my wishlist/resolutions or watever u wanna call it.. 7 of them, a number which ive always hold dearly... n hope i can fulfil, if not all, most of it...

7. to still be in touch wif frens
this is quite tough, cos i m a person who seldom msg or call ppl... n i noe ive neglect some circle of frens this year, especially my bestest fren... n for that, i apologise... lets hope i can do better in 2009...

6. to be more responsible in my work
i like to do things at the last min... i always hv this thinking that theres always time to finish things up... n in the end, work piled up, time runs out... tsk tsk...

5. to be a better daughter
im not saying im a bad bad girl.. but just want my parents to hv less worries, less pressure.. so at least their blood pressure wont be that high...

4. to save $$$
one prob that i hv... its either i spend shopping, or treating others... yes, im very generous, so to speak.. now is the year for me to at least put some aside... :)

3. to travel
kind of contradict to no. 4 huh... hehehe.. but yea, as much as i can afford, i want to travel... i may not go to those exotic places, but at least whichever place im goin to will serve as a getaway from the bustling life i have here...

2. to be happy and contented
yurp.. reliaze that being happy is not enough for me... i feel happy but sumting's jus missing... so i feel i need to contented as well, which is what i wanna achieve this year

1. ......................................
not gonna tell you this one.. cos im afraid that if i did, it wont come true... and if i tell you, i hv to kill you... :P

im keeping my fingers crossed all year through..
guys, pls... help me out here...

Its Jus Plain Dreaming...

2008-12-30T01:26:00.003+08:00

how can u say that i can always open up and talk to u..
when more than half the time u are not there..

how can u say "what if he tells you lets get married"..
when u dun even ask me to go for a single date..

how can u just show ur care and feelings wif ur actions..
when u dun even hv the guts to say it right in front of my face..

how can u say u like my tolerance level..
when i ever walk out from you before cos i cant stand the tension between us...

and, yup, its true when u say im the gal of ur dreams...
cos in reality, i realize that im not...

Have I Or Have I Not....

2008-12-29T22:51:00.002+08:00

was hearing this song on my laptop...
suddenly my whole life jus breeze thru my mind...
and i realized, "what the fcuk have i been doing siaaa..."
and i feel like i am where i am years back..
like ive not move on at all... n it really feels damn shitty...

p.s : i jus want to feel complete...

Its Better Not Knowing...

2008-12-28T21:43:00.002+08:00

sumtimes, in a game of truth or dare, we are obliged to tell things that we are not supposed to..
to reveal stuff that are precious to us.. that we hold on to dearly...

i, too, get caught in this silly game.. and the result? i gave away feelings that im supposed to keep to myself.. i am afterall, an introvert... i dun really share my deepest feelings.... and if anyone should hv ask abt it, it may take a long while to scrape it out of my heart...

p.s : mana nk taruk muka aku ni.... haizzz...

It's Hard...

2008-12-25T00:37:00.003+08:00

have you ever feel like you know that sumone... but u dun really noe him?
or have you ever feel like you so close with that sumone, yet you cant reach out to him?

i feel dat way, n i tell you.. sumtimes it jus dun feel dat good...
its so near, yet so far...

p.s : merry christmas to all.. ho ho ho... ive yet to go for my snow-fun experience this year... wanna join?

You Just Dont Get It, Do You...

2008-12-22T23:12:00.002+08:00

how can i put across how i feel, and what i think of it, to you...
days gone by, and it seems like you think there is something ahead for us...
there may be for you.. but not me...

how can i make you understand that it can never be...
i dun wan you to feel as if im leading you on...
but sriusly, i dunno how else i wanna convey the message across...
ive said it once.. and i find it uncomfortable to say it twice...

Oooppsss...!

2008-12-21T09:47:00.000+08:00

I did it again....

Dat's Life...

2008-12-18T20:54:00.003+08:00

we all know that in life, we cant get everything we wished for...
but ppl, like me, still wish and wish and wish...
hoping that one day, the wish is granted...

and if it doesnt... well, lets just settle for the second best, shall we?

p.s : yes, i dun like that term or phrase or wateva u call it... but i jus hv to live it wit, i guess...

humming to the tune...
termenung bila sendirian.. menggunung seribu harapan
tak mampu ku melupakan.. walau kian kehilangan....

Lost... And I'm Tired Of It...

2008-12-17T21:12:00.002+08:00

how i feel right now? in general?
well, i feel tired... tired of being lost...
i dunno where im heading, where im going...
i dunno what to expect.. and really, its sucks when i dun hv a single clue abt it...

im tired too, of this routine life.. that sumtimes the idea of running away always seems very tempting...
n im tired of waiting.. yes, waiting...
waiting for stuff that i dun even noe if they gonna happen...
waiting for THAT day... THAT time.. THAT moment...

im sorry, but waiting for nothing jus aint gonna work...
if you think that theres sumting worth waiting for, tell me then...
if not, farewell to you... im all packed up and heading for the door...

How Could You...

2008-12-12T03:39:00.004+08:00

it came as a sudden thing... cant sleep so i browse around.. blog-hopping, online shopping bla bla bla... n i dunno how i get there, but i did.. i came to a site... a customiseable site... where i see all his pics edited and plastered all across the site... his pics that most of it i recognise, cos im the one who captured it... the site is full of him, and her...

and jus as sudden as the clicking thing happen, i felt sharp pain.. in my heart... n tears started streaming... n its still streaming as i wrote this...

its not because i still hv sumting for him.. not becos my feelings are still there.. if given a choice right now, im doing the right thing... i dun wish to be his anymore...

its been more than a year... and i still cant get over the fact on how he spun his web of lies... how i felt so bloody stupid even when im the one whos suppose to be good at thinking thru things... i sumhow blame myself, for being so naive.. n so gullible... but how could anyone be so heartless... how could anyone stab sumone so hard that it pierce right thru, but still felt nuthing for it...

i need a shoulder to lean on right now... n i realy need a hug... pls...

Are We Just A Pretense?

2008-12-10T14:20:00.004+08:00

here's a story i know about a gal n a guy years back...

they were in the same high school. they start to hang out together. and as time goes by, they hang out more often, liking each other's company. it seems they were inseparable. people see them as THE couple. she was happy. they would go for movie dates, hold hands strolling on a beach, hug each other good nights...

then, one day, evrything stop. the guy seems to avoid the gal, in any way. the gal, still have feelings for the guy, was conjuring up lots of reasons why the guy may hv behave this way. at last, she caught the guy, one day, near the study bench, where they used to sit and whisper sweet-nothings. staring at his eyes, she begged for an answer. an answer to why they drifted apart. was it because he didnt love her anymore? did he want a break up?

and with a cold hard stare, he replied, "break up? since when am i ur boifren anyway? ive never say 'i love you', n i nvr declared that we are in a relationship n nvr had i seen you as my galfren. pls, get a life."

and with that, the gal jus crumbled, along wif her hopes and happiness...

i dun wanna end up like the gal, having blissful moments only to see them crashing down hard. i make a promise to myself that till a guy openly declare his feelings to me, i will nvr take his actions seriusly. will rather brush it off as him being friendly than having to nurse my broken heart when its not what i perceive it to be. enuff said.

Is It Okay...?

2008-12-08T08:41:00.003+08:00

is it okay if i secretly wished and openly prayed that that sumone wont last long wif another person and break off their commitment, so that i can come back to that sumone, but in the meantime, i went out with another sumone, jus to pass the time...?

cos it seems, if what i secretly wished and openly prayed for really come true, i actually hurt 2 different ppl along the way...

so is that a great sacrifice to make just to get what i want and be truly happy? what about my conscience then? does that count?

Cair beb....!

2008-12-04T19:18:00.006+08:00

if only i can play the guitar n sing like that...
if only sumone dedicate n sing like dat to me... cairrrr beb!

psst : before you click play, pause the song kat tepi tuuuu ---------------->

A Much Avoided Conversation...

2008-12-01T16:07:00.003+08:00

fren : so... would you like.. be wif him.. if lets say.. he say he still like you?

her : ........

fren : u noe, if he still like you, will you get back wif him?

her : ........

fren : what if he want to get married to you? will you marry him?

her : dats impossible.. coming from him...

Dreams Are Just Dreams

2008-11-28T22:35:00.001+08:00

i had a dream
a dream of you n me
snugglin on the red couch, in front of a tv
time seems to freeze, when you stole a lil kiss

i had a dream
a dream of you n me
up on the breakwater, my head on ur shoulder
staring up the sky, as the ships passed by

i had a dream
a dream of you n me
in purple matching suits, it's a very joyous mood
and u look me in the eyes, sayin 'forever be mine'

i noe dreams dun come true
no matter how u want it to
and it is even sadder
if he's there right in front of you
and u cant even reach to hold him close to you

ps : reality really sux, isnt it?

What Numerology Says About My Name...

2008-11-27T18:28:00.000+08:00

This numerology has 3 aspects, namely Expression, Soul Urge and Personality.

Expression :
The Expression number shows us who we truly are, what we came into this life already knowing. This is where we feel most comfortable and how we automatically act. We attract people and situations to us that require our Expression so that they can further evolve. In this way we play the role of teacher. Naturally we are attracted to occupations that we resonate to, so the Expression number can be a strong factor in our choice of a career as well. Our Expression is the vehicle, with all its virtues and vices, that drives us along the path of our Destiny. It is the essence of our identity.

Soul Urge :
The Soul Urge number has also been called Heart's Desire and Spiritual Urge. It is our secret, innermost longing. Our dream, our motivation, the fuel that energizes our journey. The Soul Urge number reveals what we secretly strive to be or accomplish. Some have said that this number tells us what we have been in previous lifetimes, the accumulated growth of our soul.

Personality :
The Personality number describes the way we appear to the outside world, the first impression people have of us. We may not even be aware of how we are perceived by others because we are so often focused on our inner world, and many times the inner does not match the outer. Personality gives us a peek at some hidden talents we have. The talents that we use to get along in the world and in some instances, protect us from it. It is likened to a bag of tools (jewels) that we carry with us along the way.

So what does it says about my name? Read on...

Expression : 31 / 4
You are the builder of the world. With your organized, efficient approach everything gets done right the first time. You emanate security and would sacrifice your own desires for your family and anyone or anything else that you considered a responsibility. You have a relentless eye for value and quality and you have the patience and determination to work for it.

Soul Urge : 11 / 2
Peace and harmony is your desire. You are a natural mediator as you are genuine, tactful and adaptable. You tend to put your own will aside for others and it is difficult for you to make decisions. This may cause others to see you as shy, or lacking confidence. Your sensitivity and gentleness can be a great healing force bringing harmony and support to others.

Personality : 20 / 2
You have a very neat, composed appearance to the outside world. Peaceful and unobtrusive, you are the one people go to for companionship and harmony. You seem to have a quiet, non-judgmental wisdom which attracts those needing advise and an objective point of view. Your ability to see both sides of a situation makes you appear indecisive.

ps : i lurve playing the name game...

Dun Be My Faithful Departed...

2008-11-23T10:05:00.003+08:00

for the past few weeks, death news surrounded me like everyday gossip columns..
to make it worst, ppl around me start falling sick and having what-nots diseases...
i started to wonder how vulnerable life is.. that one can jus shout out in pain, or jus drop dead in the middle of nowhere...

and all these makes me remember sumone..
sumone whom ive neglected much for past few years..

to that sumone, u always hv a special place in my heart... even when i look like i didnt give a hoot abt ur well-being, i actually do care a lot.. im worried that one day u will leave me jus like dat..

Nek, please be strong and hold on... cos i very much wan you to be there for my wedding...

clueless...

2008-11-18T18:17:00.004+08:00

have you ever feel lost?
till u cant concentrate on wat u are doing...
and watever you do, u feel agitated, restless...
as if theres sumting stickin' up ur %$#!

dats how i feel right now..
something's bothering me...
n i dunno wat the $#$&#%! it is....

Pleaseeeee...

2008-11-16T22:00:00.001+08:00

pls help me get out of here...! please, i beg you....

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

2008-11-09T09:45:00.004+08:00

"...as our lips locked, i closed my eyes and feel her tongue barely touching mine. i could still taste the sweetness of her as we drew away from each other. slowly i opened up my eyes and looked into hers. she smiled and i could see the redness on her cheeks. from then on i knew that she is the one. the one that im going to live my life with. i've fallen for her..."

i wish i can do that. that jus by one kiss, i would hv known if we were made for each other. and if i did, i hope i can see sparks fly, feel my knees become weak and tingles ran up my neck.

on another note, something happened... and it happen because i let it happen. because curious me jus wan to see if it feels all right. if its the right thing to do. and after it happen, i feel .............................

are you....?

2008-10-27T19:26:00.002+08:00

"are you the answer to my everything?"

to fill my needs, to get my wants...
to make me happy, and be my only one....

to console me softly, whenever im down...
and miss me deeply, when im not around...

to look me in my eyes, and say 'hey, its all right'...
and hug me close, be by my side...

to complete my dreams, and make them come true...
cos i dun wan anybody else, its has always been you...

ps : if only its easy to say those words to you... and hear you echo it back to me...

random thoughts...

2008-10-23T16:36:00.004+08:00

why do you decide to get married?

the old virgin :
"so i can eventually get myself pricked..after so long..."

the hopeless romantic :
"because i can experience my whole life with another soul.. and we will live happily ever after..."

the health freak :
"because i will be 30 nxt year.. they say women after 30 not good to get pregnant..."

the career-minded :
"so that it will boost up my position.. so ppl in my company will see me as someone who is stable and can juggle both family and work well..."

the 'money-eyed' :
"then i dont have to work.. i can laze around the pool everyday, and buy the whole range of manolo shoes..."

the never-grow-up girl :
"because i love kids.. i want to have 5 kids.. i can play with them, go camping, build sandcastles, buy toys..."

the dumb blonde :
"because everyone get married.. its the most popular thing to do right now.. ouuhhh how exciting..."

the average lady :
"so that ppl will not be asking me to do their jobs all the time.. cos they think i dun hv a big responsibility to take care of.. but they forgot that i do hv a life!"

if only....

2008-10-20T19:08:00.004+08:00

"if only wishes could be dreams, and all my dreams could come true..."

as much as i want it to happen,
as much as i dream of how blissful it would be,
i noe good things doesnt really last...

ps : i noe im in denial. let me jus savour the moment before reality come crashing in...

aawwww...

2008-10-16T20:47:00.002+08:00

i was cursing n swearing the person in front of me.. she had so many things to pay that it took quite awhile at the sheng siong cashier counter. i was like 'come on, i only need to pay 1 thing.' then when my turn comes, i pass my stuff at the cashier to be scanned and handed over the cash for it... the cashier looked at me when i say 'its ok, i dun need a carrier.' so i smiled. and her reply was :

"ur face so sweet when you smile..."

i was blushing n can feel my cheeks burning... i mean how often do ppl actually praise you.. especially ur frens... even ur boifeys, or fiancees or even hubbies... it seems that the closer u get, the more you are unnoticeable n unappreciated....

It's Just Not Right

2008-10-12T10:45:00.003+08:00

"Rasa sayang tu dah takde lagi..."

how would you feel if you are the one hearing that phrase from ur beloved...
you would think ok fine, no use being together then...
but what if u r already engaged, getting married in few mths time, evrything prepared...
would u try n savour the rship, or jus let it sink?
after all, feelings are meant to be natural, not forced...

haiz, mcm2 kerenah la skarang ni....

Confessions....

2008-10-08T11:56:00.002+08:00

"Pls, don't tell anyone abt the ring thingy. Honestly no
one else know abt it for my side.. U can say i'm stupid, dumb or watsoever, but
i guess it's one of the way i make it up to HER for being 'unfaithful' to her.. Pls"

To the guy who confesses :
Dude, pls realise u have all the wrong reasons to be doing whatever u r doing rite now... n to get married jus becos 'the gal didnt do any mistakes' n 'i hv commited/invested too much in it'... to me, u r not ready to get hitched.. n dun tell me u will b a chged person cos i noe u too well..

To the gal who's 'blind' :
Babe, i used to see u as one of the luckiest gal.. to hv a guy who stick by u, showers u wif wateva u wan.. but now, i pity u, realy pity you... cos i noe wateva he showers u wif, its not so much on how he feels for u, but more to how guilty he is towards you...

*tsk* *tsk*

Am Unwilling Party....

2008-09-26T23:22:00.000+08:00

if i follow my heart, i know i wouldnt...
it was hard...
but as hard as it seems... im letting it go....
lil by lil... piece by piece....
till all of it, all of the memory...
the memory of u, of us... fade away....

so plz understand if im not there anymore...
if i dun reply to any of ur callings...
this is for the best.. i guess....

Failure To Launch...

2008-09-21T21:17:00.000+08:00

*sigh*
lain yang aku cannon...
lain pulak yg dtg bergolek...

nasib~ nasib~ ....

Keep Buggin' Me...

2008-09-18T22:00:00.000+08:00

i spend most of my time sleeping now..
n although it seems like i have plenty of rest, apparently im not...
cos i keep tossing n turning...
i've stretched, sit up real straight, less sitting, painkillers...
but the ache keep buggin' me...

i dun wanna go hospital no more...!

Out Of Your Head...

2008-09-13T12:26:00.000+08:00

yes, we do chat on phones....
yes, u sms me almost evryday...
yes, we laugh and joke around...
yes, we do go out for movies, dinner, shopping...

but,
that doesnt mean u could hold my hand...
that doesnt mean u could call me 'dear', 'honey', 'baby'...
that doesnt mean that i should report everything i do to u...
that doesnt mean we should buy or wear same color, same design of clothes...

becos, i didnt see u as my other half, really i didnt...
plz, get that thinking out of your head...

Bila Tiba Waktu Berbuka...

2008-09-01T20:09:00.000+08:00

since hari ni 1st day puasa kan, so me good gerl dok umah satu hari... anyway, mom cook mee kuah n some jemput2 (tak tau lak y dia tk wrk niari)... so masa dgr ustaz tu baca2 b4 azan kan, me duduk la kat meja mkn, mee da sedia dpan mata, siap ngan air bird nest lagik (father buat)... so masa tgh tenung tu mee, teringat la zaman2 puasa dulu2...

primary school :

ni zaman kental skit la.. puasa tk puasa sama jugak, aktif jugak... not reali much memories time puasa... cuma biasa la, kat kantin tu bole nmpak members2 minom air kan... isshhh, aku ni kalau tk puasa pon, tkla sampai dpan2 org aku minom.. hehehe...

sec school : zaman ni ade bit tough skit... ni zaman la da mula ponteng puasa atas sebab2 tertentu (paham2 je lah).. then time recess, kite sume (mostly gals) duduk blakang kantin, dkat ngan rifle range... yg tkle puasa tu, siap ngan potato chips, mkn utk alas perut... then ingat jugak kite practice utk malay dance.. hahaha... kena paksa ngan cikgu.. ingat lagi lagu aishah about serikandi sumting like that... kekek sey.... then da mula start planning jln raya... ingat lagik, the most no of ppl is 20+.... masok bus je, bas trus penoh.. hahahaha...

poly :

poly not realy much la... cos cuma few malay peeps je.. then ramai yg 'baik'2... so left me n bestie... usually kalau da balik lambat, buka puasa ngan dia.. kat luar or kat umah dia... part ni pon da mula2 jinak ngan mirc chat.. hahaha...

MIRC chat :

hah, ni zaman kcohrable... ni sume start from my sis renna la... dia start chatting, aku pon terbabit.. but time dia chat, aku membontot je la... tk byk involved... bila aku sendiri yg da mula chat (sebab kakakku da kawin), hah, baru kecoh.. plan nk buka puasa kat mana. aku ingat lagik dulu suka buat gathering besar2 konon iftar sesama... always kat main topic channel... sape pandai2 tukar topik, konfirm kena kick... gathering mcm gini la yg slalu nmpak muka2 baru.. hahahaha...

NIE :

ni zaman tkla kecoh nah.. sume da besar2, da matured enuff la... sumtimes je kuar buka puasa ngan members from NIE... but bcos zaman ni pon aku masih gak contact ngan budak2 IRC (sampai skarang oi), ada gak gi buka puasa ngan drg....

nak pikirkan balik, mmg kekek la... haizzz... cpat sungguh masa berlalu eh... miss ah those days... tapi aku tau bukan aku sorang la yg ade kenangan2 mcm ni... konferm ade lagi umat2 yg serupa dgnku... hahahaha....

And So Be It...

2008-08-30T21:22:00.000+08:00

u've made ur decision, and i've made mine...
u wanna stick to urs, i'll stick to mine too...

so this is the end... n people say the end is only the beginning...
so be it...

ps : it will nvr be the same.. cos it will b much better...

Angel....

2008-08-26T22:42:00.000+08:00

"Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself... Like this journey never ends.... Like you were sent to me because I'm sick... To help me through all this.... You're my angel...."

- A Walk To Remember

ps : i lourve this movie...

Read My Lips.. But Feel My Heart...

2008-08-21T22:06:00.000+08:00

*blast that speakers out loud

bibirku mengucapkan perasaan hati yang silih berganti...
hati... sering bertanya apakah benar ucapan kata...

walau bibir melafaz marah, hati membisu merindu sayang...
andai bibir dan hati seiring, terjalinlah rasa marah-marah sayang...

kini bibir dan hati membisik ucapan, kaulah yang ku nanti...
mari kita menuju bersama, hapuskanlah rasa marah-marah sayang...

Reap What You Sow...

2008-08-21T00:07:00.000+08:00

remember darlin'...
the more u spin that lil' drama of urs,
the more entangled u'll get...

and dear, u really reap wat you sow...

And There It Goes Again...

2008-08-14T11:29:00.000+08:00

a figment of the past breezed thru my life...
how do i react? hhmmmmmmmm....

Mirror, Mirror...

2008-08-03T11:28:00.000+08:00

mirror, mirror on the wall...
tell me why u didnt call...

mirror, mirror hanged up high...
and you're gone wif no goodbye...

mirror, mirror made of stone...
and i sit here all alone...

mirror, mirror tell me why...
all i do is cry and cry...

Bleargh...!

2008-07-24T21:05:00.000+08:00

this is the first time that i go to school despite having a fever...
yes, wif a 38.7 degrees temp...
n yea my throat has inflammation...
so now it felt itchy, bloody itchy... ughhh!

Its A Drought...

2008-07-13T12:35:00.000+08:00

it has been dry months throughout...
oh mannnn.... somebody .. help meeeee...!

I'm Being Bothered...

2008-07-04T14:29:00.000+08:00

my colleague told me jus yesterday, "u noe, i think u hv been daydreaming a lot these past weeks... wats wrong?"

dat set me thinking... am i?
i guess i m... maybe that sumthing is still bothering me..
but really i dunno wat it is...
haizz...

In Silence...

2008-06-26T19:53:00.000+08:00

I choose to love you in silence;
For in my silence... I find no rejection.
And in my silence... I find no cold receptions.
In silence, no harsh words are spoken,
No fragile hearts left unbroken.
In my silence... I see only your perfection.

I choose to love you from a distance;
For in distance... there is no pain.
From a distance... I do not feel the rain.
In distance, there are no tears to cry,
There is no need for lies.
From a distance... my love will always remain.

I choose to love you in silence;
Though there are no gains.
In this heart my love will stay,
'Til forever and a day...
Forever chained...
Forever unclaimed...

by J. Espinosa

Go Away....

2008-06-24T15:26:00.000+08:00

these past few days have been morbid for me... super morbid... i jus dun feel good, physically n emotionally... dunno why...

1. my fren ask me to go bugis for shopping on sat, i decline..
2. on sun, my fren ask go supper n jus hangout, i decline again..
3. my frens say i was way too quiet on my way to work on monday
4. i went back straight after work, for the past few days...
5. my colleague ask go lunch after work, i decline again
6. i spend my time watching tv or jus play games on my laptop
7. i ignore those ppl who say hi to me in msn
8. i dig up all those old vcd/dvd i hv n watched them
9. i almost bumped wif an L plate car...
10. i reali dun feel like to meet up wif close ones this coming wed @ nana's plc

sumting is bothering me.. i noe theres something... n i think i noe wat it is..
i jus cant express it out i guess... maybe its a withdrawal syndrome...
where i felt nobody understands, n the enemy is always out there...

p.s : i really need to get near the ocean.. at least it calms me down...

Confessions....

2008-06-20T17:42:00.000+08:00

How do you confess
Everything hidden within?

All the times when you feel low
And you could not lean on someone's shoulder
When you knew your friends were right
Yet you cant admit you make a blunder

When you were overcome by what you felt
And could not bring yourself to tell someone
All the times someone said 'i love you'
Yet you cant proclaim 'you are the one'

When you thought you were happy
But you realize that something is amiss
When you see that someone with another
All you did is mumble 'bless you wif bliss'

So how do you confess?
Everything hidden within?

Love..? What Is Love....?

2008-06-19T16:17:00.000+08:00

is it....
to make the other person happy, jus by being there?
to be there for the person through thick n thin?
to be honest n true to the feelings towards the person?
to hold the person's hand in times of insecurities?
to share laughter and weep together?
to wait patiently no matter how long it takes?

if love is all of the above.. then, i love you.. yes, i do....

But, my dear, love doesnt work one way...
I can only make 2 steps forward and held out my hand...
Its ur choice to make that 1 step forward and reached out for mine...

In Pain...

2008-06-18T22:49:00.000+08:00

eversince im back from a short rendezvous, i feel a lil pain on my back...
i tot that mayb i over-exert myself... or mayb of the long bus ride...
or mayb im not used to the sleeping condition at the hotel...

but then, the pain doesnt go away...
n now i cant reali turn to my left... n bending down to get sumthing is worse...
i wish the pain will go away... pls...

i dun wana b in that horrid hospital again...

Going.... going.... gone~

2008-06-17T16:14:00.000+08:00

sumtimes, things that u tot is within ur reach...
can jus be blown away, without u realising....

bummer~

X'Cuse Me, How Pricey Are You?

2008-06-11T12:31:00.000+08:00

2008 being the wedding year for most of my frens, so no matter how i wanna avoid the topic, it always come back to that... whos the caterer, which bridal, card designs, the deco n dais.. etc.... n as i listen to these stories, wat intrigued me the most is the 'hantaran' money...

i mean how do we actualy determine the hantaran money wif the gal? n are all gals have same kind of value or diff... n if it is diff, how do we gauge them? most will say 'follow the market price'.. which according to them is around 7k - 10k... i didnt noe that we gals are being similarised wif fishes in the market... or sacks of rice... n if we are being similarised, will the value drop eventually? bcos wat i see is it keep on rising n i dun realy see a dip at all... if thats the case i pity those getting married in the nxt 10 yrs where hantaran money will be much much more than COE of a car...

the qs is, wat if the hantaran money is not within the market price? if its less, does that mean the gal is a cheapo kind of gal? or the guy jus cant live up to standard? if its more, does that mean that its too much to value a gal? usually, ppl will give around the market range that they have estimated... although some will give something like 7777... or 8118.. which to the couple may hv deep meaning... and which still is the market level, according to them...

for now, most of the hantaran money i heard is around the market level.... theres some rare occasion where its far above the level... mind you, its not 1k-2k above the market level...its sumtimes twice the market rate... ppl will then say well, theres some wif 30k, 50k bla bla bla... but those are celebrities, or some magnate or billionaires... ppl wif money to throw at parties... but the ones that i noe is jus for normal average gals... so wats so ex abt them? do the gals hv special powers? can they fly around anywhere in the world? or they can make every bill disappear? and make money roll out of your wallet endlessly? i mean, i noe its not my bloody business, but i jus feel 'not right'.. money makes the world go round, yes, but not over humans...

on a lighter note, theres this phrase that ive heard often : 'takkan nk jual anak, mak cik oi...'
n yea, if u r ever caught in that situation, make sure she is a virgin in every little part of her.. ;)

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend...

2008-06-06T21:45:00.000+08:00

i was in a meeting last week... my colleague, az, suddenly commented on my ring... she pointed out that i shouldnt wear my diamond ring on my ring finger on the left... it can send a wrong message to guys out there that im attached, engaged or even married... n wif that, she conclude that i will miss wateva chances i may hv...

i brushed it off of cos... i mean, wats the big deal... anyway, aza starts to agree... n they start to go on n on... they told me to slip it on my index finger instead... i was like, wat the hell... so i make a bored face n ignored, totally... syaz start to 'nag' too... i was like, wats the odd of ppl commenting n assuming on it anyway....

yesterday, kumar (a colleague who i went to a course wif) noticed my ring... n he say, 'wah, i didnt noe u were engaged'. i was like '???'... jun was already sniggering... az's face smirking keep flashing in my mind... slowly, i took it off n slip it on my index finger...

on another thought, diamond is a girl's best fren...
n i m a girl... n its my bloody diamond...
its up to me which fuckin' finger i wanna slip my diamond on...